I Am A Giant Cow

That is why I will work my entire life to become thin again

I'm sick 5:46 AM

While that title could mean so many things....in this particular case it means that I have a cold or something crappy and have been eating like MAD. My boyfriend is on this 'taking care of me' trip so he's all concerned that if I don't eat enough I will be sick forever. So he took me out for breakfast yesterday.....and I ate a whole heaping two blueberry pancakes.....yes....PANCAKES. Those were probably my total calorie balance for the day (if I were eating like a normal person)...but I didn't stop there....for dinner he made chicken kabobs, which wasn't that bad, with veggies and chicken...but still....those pancakes were haunting me....all that butter and syrup. They were soooo goood though....and I'm sure they went straight to my disgusting puckered saggy thighs. I'm proud to say that I haven't purged in about 2 or 3 months. I'm going to keep at it and start working out. My boyfriend wants to join a new gym - and I asked him to be my personal trainer. The deal is, I pay for his membership for 3 months and he works me out 3-4 times a week. He was an athlete in college, so he knows what works, and he's pretty ripped. I'm so excited to get started.....if only I can get over this crappy cold!

Sending thin thoughts out to you all!

Love you too! 1:23 PM

Thank you all so much for your lovely comments and support - it means the world to me. I've been struggling with trying to let everything go and just be....no obsessions, no depression, just try to stop THINKING for once....as you can see....it is definitely not working....because I'm back here.

I don't know what it is about me, it's like there's a part of me that wants to be unhappy. Every time I'm happy, I have to shut it off, get back control, and make my own life miserable.

Like in high school, I was probably what most people considered a popular girl. I was a cheerleader, had cute boyfriends, etc., but on the inside, I was always unhappy. I went through a lot of depression in high school, but never let anyone in on my little secret. I would hide away in my room contemplating suicide while noone was any the wiser. I always thought that if people knew they would say "what do you have to be sad about?"

I didn't let anyone in......still haven't.

Isn't that weird how I would probably trust my life with several people, my family, boyfriend, but I would not, in a million years, trust them with my secrets....my shame. I trust you all, but only because it is anonymous....you guys don't know me in real life....but you know the most true things about me....the things I can't tell other people...they won't understand.

Whooooo.....that felt good....thanks for listening.

Do you still love me? 8:39 AM

So.

I know I have been gone for so long, this whole world-inside-a-world has probably changed.

I have been away trying to lead a normal healthy life.....

that's bullshit. I've been trying to act like I'm leading a normal life.

I have maintained my weight right around 123. I need to lose, so I'm back.

I've been eating like shit lately, so I desperately need to get that accountability back.

So far today: 1/2 clif bar - ugh, so many calories - 175

Here's the low-down. I moved in with my boyfriend. We have been on cloud nine, deciding where everything goes, having sex, hanging up pictures of us together, having sex, buying new furniture, having sex....you get the idea.

I have been so wrapped up in our little world together that I have been nothing but agreeable. If he wants to order pizza, I'll eat it and like it. You know what? I wouldn't trade it for the world. I don't feel bad about it. I ate like shit, and I did it to keep the moment. I didn't want to taint this little love bubble we've been in with my ocd calorie counting, analyzing, SHIT. And you know what.....

IT FELT GOOD.

For the first time in a long time, I've been so incredibly happy. I'm so thankful that I haven't gained any weight....but now reality is setting in...and I'm realizing that I'm still not happy with the body I have....the honeymoon stage is slowing.

So, I hope you all won't be too angry with me for just up and leaving you all, but I had to do it......for my sanity. I also hope you will help me get back on track.

Thanks for listening....much love.

BTW - Tulip - if you read this, I can't get into your blog anymore :(

Trying to stay positive... 12:42 PM

I went a little overboard on yesterday's cals - about 1000, but it is not a tragedy. Today I've had 1/2 a cantaloupe and I plan to have some popcorn, then a decent meal at home. I worked out for 1.5 hours this morning and I am feeling pretty good. Got some new clothes today....the scale is not exactly where I want it to be - around 122, but I'm ok with it. As long as I don't freak out I will continue on this way - never exceeding 1000 calories and working out regularly and I will see the weight drop...slowly but surely. I just want to be 110 for the summer so I can be totally confident in a bikini, but if I don't get there, that's ok, at least I'm not 145 in a bikini! I'm making it a rule to not be so hard on myself, cause when I am, I binge and purge....I will have no more of that...I am beautiful...I am woman...hear me roar...etc. etc. etc.

Here's some bikini thinspo...

Back on Track 10:34 AM

Ok, so I'm making myself post at least once a day from now on...I need to get myself back on track and I feel like crap posting when I'm doing not-so-well. Yesterday was a not-so-well day. I think I was up to about 1500 calories...the most I've had in a long long while. I had ice cream, a muffin...all kinds of crap....and did not purge any of it up. Oh well....at least I worked out... :)

So today's consumption, 1/2 a cantaloupe and a handful of mixed nuts so far, planning on having a bit of hummus with a crispbread and a hearty dinner of salmon a small sweet potato and some edamame. All for a total of around 600 cals...I did not work out because I'm super sore from yesterday, so I'll work out extra hard tomorrow.

I find that if I restrict too much all I think about is food and end up binging..so I'm putting myself back on the plan that works....500-800 cals a day and working out most days. I'm going to go grocery shopping this weekend to stock up on some yummies...I have some new ideas...

Oh crap, I just realized I told my boyfriend that I would eat with him tonight...damn. Might have to shelf my dinner plans for tomorrow....ugh. I dread to think of what it will be like when we live together...he's gonna have to get used to my eating habits real quick.

"The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread."
-Mother Teresa

I slipped up 12:25 PM

I binged and purged.
It was a muffin.
DUMB OFFICE FATTIES.
Stop bringing food in front of my face!!!!!!!

I could only bring myself to purge about half of it, I haven't purged in so long, it was hurting my chest....never really felt that before. I'm meeting my friends for drinks tonight, hopefully they won't want food, if they do I will try my best to resist and just tell them I already ate....they probably won't believe me....

I feel soooo fat and disgusting. I'm a disgrace.
WHY AM I SO OBSESSED WITH FOOD?????
sometimes I just feel like screaming.................instead i scream in silence

Why I want this.... 8:14 AM

inspired by Kat

1. I want to wear shorts. I have not put on a pair of shorts (aside from around the house) in probably about 10 years. I'm just not one of those people who will wear shorts unless my legs are FRAIL...which they haven't been for some time now...
2. I want to be able to show my stomach (ever so slightly) with a shorter shirt and not worry about a muffin top.
3. I want to not only fit into a size 0...I want to swim in it!
4. I want to run around in a bikini on the beach
5. I want my boyfriend to pick me up and carry me around with ease
6. I want people to tell me I'm skinny and call me the skinny one when I'm not around
7. When I get married (not for a while...yikes) I want to wear a form fitting slinky dress, you can only do that if you are literally skin and bones....form fitting white dress? A fatty's nightmare...
8. When I get pregnant (not for a while..double yikes) I want to be so thin with just a bump belly
9. I want my skin to be so taught, don't want anything to ever sag...
10. I want to be a milf someday....you don't see any fat milfs...
11. I want to have a sordid affair with a European...wouldn't have the confidence if I was fat.
12. I want to have sex in the daylight and not worry about my cellulite or a little roll here or there
13. I want to have bruises on my hipbones (when i was skinny I always got bruises there for some reason)
14. I want to walk around my house naked with my boyfriend there and not worry about what jiggles
15. Most of all, I want to be envied by everyone who sees me.

Why do you want it?

Red Bull Feeling 8:51 AM

I feel energized and ready to get back on track.

Sidebar - anyone remember that scene in Knocked Up where her sister comes into her room in the morning and is all energized and she asks how many red bulls she had? she's like "I've had about three redbulls in the last fifteen minutes" or something like that....I feel like that :)

I'm feeling very skinny today because I put on my size 4 work pants and they were all saggy so I put on the new size 2's and they fit like a glove - I even had to poke a new hole in my belt because it was too big. Very exciting news. Even though the scale says the same thing (123.6) I'm feeling slimmer than usual. I'm giving myself the freedom to eat semi-normally on Friday because I'm going out with friends, so I'll be restricting a bit today to get ready for it - only a banana and a salad for me today. Hopefully I can be alone on Saturday and Sunday and do a bit of a system flush to get ready for next week. (I use epsom salts) I follow the directions on this site - totally cleans you out! Next week I plan to work out for an hour everyday and eat about 500 calories....that's usually the minimum I need if I want to get anything out of my workouts, anything less and I just don't have the energy. Here's some Marisa Miller thinspo...her stomach is AMAZING!

I suck 11:54 AM

Ok, so I majorly suck. I was all set to do a two day fast, but when I got home from work yesterday, I had a major headache and I had more work to do, so I broke down, I had an apple, a big salad, with a lot of stuff in it and a tiny bit of popcorn. I'd say I had a total of 400 or 500 cals yesterday. Since I lost my motivation I'm not fasting today or tomorrow either. I've had an apple, and handful of trail mix and half a Larabar today and I'm planning on having another big salad when I get home. I'm feeling a lot of pressure about how and what to eat lately, both from other people and from myself, I think I'm just going to do what I need to do to get through the day and not binge for a while and see where that gets me.

I also noticed something this weekend while at home. It seems as though my sister is always "sick" when she comes home to visit. I used to have a suspicion that she was bulimic after I thought I heard her puke after meals on two separate occasions a few years ago. She lives far away so I can't really keep tabs on her. We have a lot of the same tendencies and she even struggled with her weight growing up more than I did, so it would make sense if she had something wrong in that department too. I just wish we could talk about it. I feel like if I bring it up she'll just deny it....the same way that I probably would. We're so close in every other way, but it would be so awesome if we could be in this together too.

She blames her 'sensetive stomach' and has everyone fooled....I know her secret though...all too well.

FAST as you can... 6:21 AM

Oh man did I have a long weekend, sorry for no updates, it is hard to get some alone time around the family. Ok, so as for fasting, I know Jenna said that she's already fasting, so I would love to join you. I know hey.hana said she would like to start on Sunday, but I had to have Easter dinner with my family so that was out of the question. So if you guys want to keep your fast going with me that would be great - I'm going to fast today and tomorrow - my sis is coming back up to visit me on Wednesday so I'll have to eat, I'm sure. So, Rachel, Tulip, are you up for joining Jenna and hey.hana?

I know I gained a shitload of weight this weekend so I really need some sort of 'cleansing'. I wish I could take a laxative to wash everything out of my system before our fast but I have to work a real job, so I can't be in the bathroom all day :) I know, TMI.

I hope you all had a wonderful weekend - sometimes it is ok to forget about stupid calories and just have fun for once....knowing you'll get back on track.....


“When sadness comes, just sit by the side and look at it and say, “I am the watcher, I am not sadness,” and see the difference. Immediately you have cut the very root of sadness. It is no more nourished. It will die of starvation. We feed these emotions by being identified with them.”
-Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh quotes