I Am A Giant Cow

That is why I will work my entire life to become thin again

Love you too! 1:23 PM

Thank you all so much for your lovely comments and support - it means the world to me. I've been struggling with trying to let everything go and just be....no obsessions, no depression, just try to stop THINKING for once....as you can see....it is definitely not working....because I'm back here.

I don't know what it is about me, it's like there's a part of me that wants to be unhappy. Every time I'm happy, I have to shut it off, get back control, and make my own life miserable.

Like in high school, I was probably what most people considered a popular girl. I was a cheerleader, had cute boyfriends, etc., but on the inside, I was always unhappy. I went through a lot of depression in high school, but never let anyone in on my little secret. I would hide away in my room contemplating suicide while noone was any the wiser. I always thought that if people knew they would say "what do you have to be sad about?"

I didn't let anyone in......still haven't.

Isn't that weird how I would probably trust my life with several people, my family, boyfriend, but I would not, in a million years, trust them with my secrets....my shame. I trust you all, but only because it is anonymous....you guys don't know me in real life....but you know the most true things about me....the things I can't tell other people...they won't understand.

Whooooo.....that felt good....thanks for listening.


MyNameIsMellon said...

Your welcome dear. I know what you mean. Its the same with me, but the only reason I get that way is because it seems that every time I try to reach out, people let me down. So I grow more introverted as the days pass. I still laugh and smile and hang with friends, but always try to hide whats going on inside.

Minaralou said...

Hey Natasha! Thx for the comment=) do you mean my layout etc or my entries if you talk of *style*?

This post really touched me, we both seem to feel rather similar about things...=( I'm so glad I found and joined this community it helps so much to be able to talk freely about anything that occurs to me...seriously, if there wasn't *THIS* here, I'm sure we'd all be wayyy much more fucked up..

GTMS said...

sometimes i think a part of me wants to be unhappy too... I'll just...stare off and start getting depressed, in the middle or an ordinary, relatively happy day. It drives my husband insaaaane.

and when I'm sad, I have trouble NOT eating. if only I could stop eating when I'm depressed.

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