So I know I'm going to have a food heavy weekend with the family, so I'm definitely going to have to fast next week - anyone want to fast with me? I'm thinking either two or three days...I need to shed some pounds....Summer is just around the corner!!

Also does anyone have any good tips on how to break a fast?

Who's coming with me?!?

So, I tried fasting once about a year ago and almost fainted but that was when I was eating semi-normally. This time around is totally different. It is like I weened myself off food. So the day before yesterday I fasted all day - but then had to go to the boyfriend's house for dinner, had a little bread and cheese and sweet potato and we had fish also, but I didn't like it, so I'd say I had maybe 3 or 400 cals that day. Then yesterday I fasted all day...nothing but water and half a bottle of kombucha. The best part is - I was able to function all day! See, I live in the city so I have to walk to the bus, walk to the train, walk up stairs to the train, walk to work after I get off the train...then repeat it all on the way home...you get the picture, have to be somewhat active. During work, I just basically sit on my ass all day, so that's not a big deal. So I'm proud to say that I have not eaten a morsel in 42 hours...I'm not sure how long I will take it today, I'm going out tonight so I don't want to get plastered from one drink. I'm planning on having an apple sometime today and then probably eat something for dinner, not sure what yet.

I felt so horribly guilty after the day I binged, I ate cupcakes!! cupcakes!! So, this is my punishment, so the scale is down to 120.4 but I know most of that will just come back when I start *eating* again, but I'm hoping it doesn't. I have to go to my parent's house this weekend, so I know I'll be eating a ton. I haven't seen some of my family in a while so they're all going to be talking about how skinny I am and watching my every step with food making sure I don't have a problem. Ugh. Plus, there will be tons of candy around, I'll just have to make sure to seem totally normal about food...which is hard.

I should just wear baggy clothes to deceive them, but I want them to see how much weight I have lost...is that weird?

Binged again when I got home tonight, I'm not even going to count my calories (yeah right) but I think it is around 1500 for the day. SICK. I'm fasting during the day tomorrow, I'm only allowing myself to have a Kombucha, and I'm going to work out for two hours - before work and on my lunch hour. I'm having dinner with the bf tomorrow night but thankfully we're just having fish and asparagus, then I'll fast the next day too. It has been probably 3 months since I've had this much to eat in a day and I'm really disgusted with myself.

I really need to figure out why I binged today - I am sick and I had some Nyquil last night, this morning I was still a little loopy, so I think that influenced me to eat that stupid first cupcake, then it was all downhill from there. I can proudly say I didn't purge, although I really really really wanted to. All I can hope is that this will somehow trick my metabolism so all won't be lost. I'm sorry for all of the random blogs today, but I was trying to talk myself through it hoping that if I started writing stuff down that I would stop the vicious cycle...no such luck. I think I just need someone to insult me when I'm like that - someone to just say - "what the hell are you doing fatass" If I get cravings to binge again, please anyone just call me a fatass like I am.

Does anyone else feel like they are having an out of body experience when they are binging? These past few weeks have been going pretty well, eating a pretty steady amount of food - all good for me with only a few slip ups. Today was a different story. This weekend I let myself slip a few times, eating a piece of bread here, a couple of chips and guac there, but nothing drastic. Today, I had half a bagel and cream cheese - two mini cupcakes, and orange, and a couple of cough drops. Thank you so much Lulu for your comment, you knocked some sense into me and let me know that all is not lost. For a moment there I felt like I was not myself, like I had forgotten how to "just say no". I'd say I'm a little over 500 cals so far today, and I just cancelled dinner with my boyfriend for tonight, so I'll be fine. I know I'll be hungry when I get home, so I'll have a salad and maybe some berries. I can still have an okay day. Sometimes I just get into that mindset where I think I've ruined it all so I might as well really crash and burn...don't know why. Now I can look back and say...hey, at least you didn't eat more cupcakes, or take it further and get a happy meal from McDonald's or something - that shit stops now. I can't afford any more slip ups.

Does anyone punish themselves for binging? I'm all for rewarding myself for doing well, but maybe I'll implement something for going over cals or gaining. Nothing bad, maybe that I just have to avoid checking perez (i'm addicted) for a day or something. Or like putting money in a swear jar, only a binge jar, then I have to give the money away or something....hmmmm...

Well, it wasn't a full out binge...I had half a bagel and cream cheese and a mini cupcake...thinking about having another cupcake. ugh. It is taking all I have not to go to the bathroom and purge it all up right now. I just want it out of me. I feel so gross, it is just sitting in my stomach making me fatter, no nutritional value whatsoever...why do I do this?

So I've had about 450 cals so far today and it is only 10:30am. I'm screwed.

Ugh, there are bagels and cupcakes and m&m's in the kitchen right now....I swear I was sooo close to picking up half a bagel and cream cheese...I still might. I want to binge it all so bad - do you know how long it has been since I've had a cupcake? I'm sick and need something more than the stupid veggies that I brought for lunch today. Ugh...why can't they just bring in fruit or something! Why must they tempt like this - I'm so weak I'm afraid I'll give in! I'm counting to 100 and drinking water....I might need help to get through this one...

I know I shouldn't eat it, I know I'll feel like shit after I do, but why do I still want to eat it...eat it ALL?

What's the healthiest thing on this menu?

Obviously the salads, but any entrees or anything? I doubt he'll let me get away with just a salad...

So I was 123.4 this morning so I think I'm still inching down...so slowly though. I feel like the slower I lose the longer I will be able to keep it off though, so that's a good thing. Consumption for yesterday:

Small Mango:100
Veggies and Fage 0%:50
Mini Homemade Pizzas (ww pita pocket cut in half to make two crusts with tomato sauce, garlic, tomatoes, basil, eggplant, squash, and a little mozzarella): 200
Kiwi:50

Total: 400

Yesterday was a good day, I've been overeating lately cause I'm on my period, but I'm hoping it is going away soon so I can get back on track. I haven't seen my boyfriend all week so we planned a date night tonight which involves going out to eat. We're going to this really nice place we've only been to once and I LOVED it. I think last time we went there I had fish, so hopefully they have a healthy fish option for me tonight, if not then I'll just go for a salad. He might be upset that I'm not taking advantage of a good meal, but it'll be cheaper for him, so hopefully he won't complain too much.

The weekend always scares me because I feel like I have no structure, but this weekend will be good, I have a craft fair (I make kids stuffed animals) to work on Saturday all day so I'll probably just bring and apple and I won't be able to leave to eat so that'll be awesome.

Please let me have the willpower to eat something healthy tonight!! Only healthy fish or a salad!
Have a great weekend ladies! Here's some Black and White thinspo to keep you going...

Ok, so 380 cals yesterday, 790 the day before. I've only had a mango and a handful of mixed nuts today, trying for around 400 today. I've been trying to not measure cals throughout the day - just eating when I'm hungry and adding it up the next day, this is why my totals are so off lately. Has anyone ever tried 2-4-6-8? I've hit a plateau and I'm trying to figure out the best way to get past it. I'm steady around 124lbs. I've been working out and eating anywhere from 400-800 cals a day but everything stays the same. I'm not good at fasting, so I'm not sure what to do. I know I would have trouble with the 200cal days, but really want to do something to boost my metabolism.

Did anyone see Oprah the other day? Dr. Oz was on talking about these people who restrict their calories. For men, it was like 1900 cals and for women it was 1600 cals - they talk about eating right, and restricting a bit to be healthier and live longer. I think that once I hit my ultimite goal weight I will do this - I doubt I'll be able to get up to 1600 cals a day, but I'll settle for 1000 or something to maintain. I say that now, but who knows how I'll feel once I hit a goal...no goal will ever be low enough probably. Anyway, I'm just looking forward to a longer, healthier, skinnier life.

Hope you are all doing well!

Not much to say today - not feeling great - 800 cals yesterday...ugh. I feel fat just thinking about it. I've got to get back on track - so far today 70 cals and an hour workout - I need to keep it up all day, I'm back to like 124lbs....I was doing so well. I swear as soon as someone says I look skinny, that's like my excuse to binge or something - like, I'm skinny enough for someone to notice, so if I just do a mini binge it won't make a difference. Well, here's the proof, up another pound or so. I'll do better the rest of the week and this weekend. Here's some Emina Cunmulaj Thinspo - she's sooooo skinny!